i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
