he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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