she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
