you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
