Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
