You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
This toilet bowl is my home.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
