I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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