peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
