I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
