I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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