I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
