did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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