i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
