Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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