i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
