Say something about gay babies.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
