My Higher Power is John Stamos
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
