if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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