Moan for me like Helen Keller
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
