What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
