We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
