I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
