I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
