my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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