i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
