Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
