I seem to have left my pride at pride
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
