he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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