just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
