somebody snuck up and got me drunk
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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