OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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