I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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