I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
