im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
