i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
