my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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