I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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