Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
