Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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