god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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