Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
