Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
