you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
