So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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