Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
