im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
