Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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