I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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