not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
