shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
