my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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