I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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