i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively