I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.