That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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