Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
