Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
