So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
