If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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