I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
