they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
